About Me

Let’s be frank. You’re not hon­estly curi­ous about me or my life. There’s an ulte­rior motive for you read­ing this page, and you’re very likely some­one who falls into one of the fol­low­ing categories:

Bored

There’s only so much time you can spend watch­ing cats play synth and click­ing “Hide Farmville” (or what­ever other dis­ease of a game your <a href=“http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunbar” onclick=“javascript:_gaq.push([’_trackEvent’,‘outbound-article’,‘http://en.wikipedia.org’]);“s_number”>monkeysphere is pass­ing around this month). I know how it goes, even­tu­ally you’ve got to pre­tend to unplug before your brains start ooz­ing out of your facial ori­fices. One way to pass the time is to just start surf­ing, and even­tu­ally you’ll land here. If this is you, con­grat­u­la­tions on being among the least wor­ri­some of all the peo­ple read­ing this page.

Internet Creep

At some point you’ve fallen in love or hate with some aspect of my per­sona, and now you’re try­ing to fig­ure out where I live. You’re the Black Swan of our lit­tle menagerie, in that you’re least likely to cause prob­lems, but most likely to require police inter­ven­tion if you do.

Corporate Creep

You know me in real life some­how, and are check­ing up on me. In this man­ner you’re worse than the Internet Creep, because you actu­ally do know me, and could just ask me the ques­tion you’d like answered.

I’ve known peo­ple work­ing as col­lec­tions agents and prison guards, so I imag­ine that the online back­ground check is some­what sim­i­lar in terms of the atti­tude: Well, you shouldn’t have been skip­ping bills/getting arrested/posting that party photo or polit­i­cal rant online! Tough luck that you can’t get this job! If I’m wrong on that, feel free to con­tact me and let me know that atti­tude doesn’t fac­tor into it.

I should point out that while it’s part of the job, it doesn’t make it less creepy, it just makes it creepy in a highly-organized, stamp-out-The-Other sort of way. It also means that nobody who is going to do any­thing impor­tant with their life will ever work any­where near you.